Just as I thought my life was going towards the disciplined direction I wanted, God threw a curve ball at me. In the past, when I feel disconnected from God, I just spend time in prayer and meditation with Him and I instantly connect again. This time was different, however. No matter how clear my intentions were to reconnect with God, He seems so far away and so unattainable. The less I tried, the farther away I felt from Him.
On June 21st it was Hot Zumba Night. Against my better judgment of stopping at one hour, I continued to 1-1/2 hours. By the time I got home, I felt my left leg tingling and going numb. Despite my stretching efforts, the tingling didn't go away and was heightened the next morning. It was time to call the doctor but not till after I prayed for healing. My doctor wasn't available so I saw the doctor on-call. I was sent home with muscle relaxers but three days later, there was no change. This time it graduated towards the whole left side of my body including my face and head.
Not understanding my usually understandable body, I called to see my regular physician. After describing my current symptoms, she gave the old neurologist a call who ordered for an MRI of my brain. When she told me the info, it felt like someone threw cold water on my face.
The MRI showed that I had a stroke and the left side of my body was the part of the brain that was affected. I'm not usually afraid of death, or so I claimed. But once you are faced with the possibility of dying, it becomes real, a different story. The reality of how major death is, regardless of its inevitability, is still humbling. The fact that you are no longer in control of your life, no matter how brave you think you should be, it is not an easy pill to swallow (pardon the pun).
My doctor of course prescribed a blood pressure pill and lipitor. How shocking for me since only last Tuesday when I went in for a blood pressure check it was lower than normal. And now this.
The next day while eating my salad for lunch, my left arm started going numb. Knowing the earlier diagnosis, I didn't want to take the chance. Back to the doctor's office I go. Blood pressure was skyrocketing at 200/102. Dangerously high. The nurse ordered me to go to the hospital emergency room.
This is when it became real. I bawled my eyes out. Thoughts start flooding through my brain. All of the major event of my children's lives are happening this year. Really? Of all years to have a scare, it had to be this one? The most important of all is I will be a first time grandmother this December. How is life fair?
Back to the ER. Blood pressure stayed high. Another MRI was done. The doctor said no additional stroke happened and the symptoms I experienced earlier was only because my brain was still adjusting from the earlier stroke.
My thoughts that battle are between not being afraid to die because I finally get to meet God face to face. On the other hand, I will be sad to leave my kids on earth. Even though I know we will all meet in heaven, it was still very sad and upsetting. But that is what flesh does. It rejects and becomes afraid of what is unknown. Death is not something we experience and come back to tell about it. It is final. It is inevitable. God is on the other side. Most people shove the thought of death out of their minds but no matter how much they do, death is one thing that is certain.
The most upsetting part was my worried mother. Although I felt bad telling her I was in the ER, not telling her and passing away is much worse.
Life is tricky. I have become a vegan 3 months ago and working out diligently only to be told by the doctor that age and heredity plays a huge role in my condition. Great! Not that I would quit working out and eating clean, but the fact that your life hangs upon another's genes is beyond me.
I got a new lease in life. I will continue to offer this blog to anyone who will heed. God is in control, and that is a humbling fact. I consider myself having a tight relationship with God. I can't imagine those who do not and would not. I pray to God that their eyes would open to the truth of this life.
Until my next rant... LOVE ONE ANOTHER!