FORGIVENESS

How many of us, while in a conversation say, “I’ve forgiven so and so,” knowing we haven’t?  I have… many times.  How many of us really know what it means to forgive?  I do.  I won’t hash out ever dirty laundry that has happened to me resulting from one particular person in the past.  This person was a special someone to me.  We had a wonderful and wholesome daughter we share.  But like some relationships, this didn't succeed.

My experience with this man shaped a part of who I am today.  Although it was not always rosy, looking back, had events not happened, I wouldn’t know how to forgive today.  He is stricken with the worst cancer ever, pancreatic.  He is a very young 52 years old.  Any type of cancer is awful, but one that cannot be removed because it can kill other major organs is hopeless.  I don't believe he is ready to die and I don’t blame him, who does?   The uncertainty of life after death is debilitating.  So one of the things left to do is to accept the inevitable and ask to be forgiven for past transgressions. 

While sitting next to his hospital bed, he told me, “You were a good woman to me and I’m sorry for everything.”  Instantly, I blurted out, it’s ok, we all make mistakes, don’t worry about it.  But thinking about it later, I asked myself, did I really mean that or did I just say it because I knew it would make him feel better?  Even if the answer was instant, reflecting on it, and seeing this man sick and in the hospital, sincerely asking for forgiveness, I did.  I sincerely did forgive him.  Suddenly, all the tears, frustration, and anger I felt for him in the past seemed futile.  You mean I could’ve skipped all those negative emotions had I known that he would ask to be forgiven?  That can only be done by someone with special powers, I'm only human after all!  Or can it? Maybe we could actually do it, if we could only visualize an apology 25 years from now.  But what if I never saw him again because we didn’t’ have a child and avoided him just to find out later that he had passed away?  How could I have truly forgiven him? Now I realize that it doesn’t matter if anyone has asked you face to face to forgive him/her.  If you know deep inside you only hurt yourself when you carried all of this dark negative energy for another, why not just truly forgive all who had wronged us?  Who cares?  Vengeance is God’s job, not for ours to carry out.  After all, God forgives so who are we to be less than forgiving?  Can we really challenge ourselves with this?  Just sayin...

Be blessed and love each other and enjoy your week...