An unscheduled trip to Las Vegas, and not for fun in sin city, was prompted due to my father's dire condition who is inflicted with a devastating disease called Leukemia, cancer of the blood, which triggered a myriad of complications. Las Vegas isn't one of my favorite cities anyway. So if all my brother, sister and I do while here is to be in the hospital with my Dad would not faze me either way.
The history between he and I go way back. Majority of the time it was unfavorable for reasons I would not want to bore you with, although those reasons got in the way of trust, understanding and patience for each other. I spent all my life affected by them and to date realized that I had wasted my entire life resenting someone while my actions hinged toward the negative instead of moving on from it. Perhaps I needed counseling but I tried to heal myself the best that I could to be able to function in this already messed up world.
All in all I could say that my children took the focus off that wound for most of the years because my love for them became the proverbial band aid. Although the ill feelings came back later on after becoming an empty nester and my father's decision to migrate to the U.S., I thought I could handle it like a pro. And I did. Until lately when another falling out flooded all the bad memories back. But this time there would be no second chapter or re-birthing of children to take my mind off of it. The resentment came pouring back.
God became my only rock to lean on. Somehow and gradually, He began to hold me accountable for those negative feelings I held and couldn't shake. I pretended that God thought it was okay for me to shun somebody who did me wrong and who was not walking the Christian walk. There was a point in the not so distant past where I was questioning whether it really was "OK." The reason why it was bugging me was because it wasn't ok. So I asked God sincerely what He thought. For that I prayed and asked Him to impress it in my heart somehow, someway, which only He knew how.
He never disappoints. I was listening to an Adrian Rogers message. A message I've heard before I'm sure as he has since passed and what was shown on tv were reruns. He said that God didn't joke when He included it in the 10 Commandments that we shall honor our fathers and our mothers. He said that we should take care of them and love them unconditionally because who are we to not forgive their shortcomings when we are human just like them. I'm pretty sure that in my children's eyes I was far from perfect and I will be the first to admit this. God was right again. Who are we not to forgive and love our parents unconditionally when we ourselves are not perfect.
It took me awhile to gather up the courage to call my father. I spoke with him a few months ago. He was already stricken with Leukemia but I treated that fact in a nonchalant way, becoming self-righteous in my pathetic little mind. I was still unsympathetic actually after I spoke with him. I did my part, I called him, and reasoned with myself that surely was enough.
Until last week when my sister told me that his condition worsened because of an ulcer that is causing the blood transfusion to leak out and he is bleeding internally. He was rushed to the hospital. We thought he would not recover from it. When I spoke to him I could not control the tears, tears I never even thought I could shed for him given the negativity I held in all my life. I never understood how people could bring themselves to closure with a parent until I experienced it myself. It was because I realized that when he passes on, the mere presence of one that has wronged you would be gone and then nothing would matter after that. That person can no longer hurt me. So it didn't really matter anymore. That was when I realized that I was humbling myself to God because that was His will. I came to a conclusion that it was about God, it's not about me or my dad. I don't know about you but that was the best feeling ever. To see my father so happy to see us all perhaps the last time before he goes, or even if his cancer goes on remission, it didn't matter. All that matters is that the unconditional forgiveness I experienced was not even an aota of God's forgiveness for our sins. I can slowly but surely start to understand God and why He hates pride. My father was released last Monday to go home. His ulcers are healed, and his low dose of chemo has been successfully doing its thing for him. He and I have resolved our conflict, never to look back and it seems to be the case with my brothers and sister as well. God is awesome when He works in our hearts. I give HIM the glory always. Now I can say He is smiling down at me, and that my friends, is PRICELESS!
Until my next rant... LOVE ONE ANOTHER!! I Love you, and I mean it! :)